One of my friends needs help in making some serious decisions about this issue. I am not sure what to tell her.
If she had asked me this question before I got married, I would have given her a ‘good to go if the guy is religious.’ But now, that I am older and have matured more, I think there are many factors to consider in a marriage.
My husband is also Pakistani, so I can’t speak out of experience. But I have ‘heard’ about problems in inter-cultural marriages. Not to say that same culture marriages don’t have problems, but to be precise, cultural differences affect the marriage.
Sometimes, I think people take it too far. Like, in Pakistan people from one province will not marry off their daughters to a man from a different province because of ‘cultural’ difference, like Punjabis not marrying those who are from Northern part of the country or those who migrated and vice versa.
But sometimes, I also see the validity of taking precautions, like many of my friends who grew up here i.e. ABCDs, refused to marry just because the brother was a FOB! And their primary argument was that he would never be able to ‘understand’ them. But what about if both of them grow up here but come from different backgrounds, i.e. one is Arab and the other one is Pakistani, or Bengali, or Malaysian or an American?!
Contemporary Contemplation 
It depends on who the guy is and what his family is like. If they have a lot of practices that they do that are very culturally based, then it’ll probably be hard for the girl to adapt to all of that. If their practices are all just centered around Islam, then she shouldn’t have so much of a hard time adapting to it insha’Allah.
But she should still be prepared for major differences and stepping quite a bit out of her comfort zone because very little may end up being how it was in her home.
The main thing is habits. How do they live? When do they wake up? What do they wear all day? What do they eat? How do they get through the whole day? How much time do they spend together? What do they talk about? Do they even speak any of the same languages as the girl? And how much is the girl willing to compromise to fit in with their habits?
So basically, I wouldn’t advise her one way or the other. It really depends on her and how much she can cooperate.
Allahu’alam.
I’m marrying a fob, i already foresee huge cultural differences, even tho we’re both Pakistani, I was born n raised in America, and he’s only been here like 5 yrs. Like he doesn’t get my humor or sarcasm, and I don’t get his. So far, I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone, inshaAllah, there’s more to marriage than just humor, but its a big deal for me. And i know he loves me more than anything in the world, so that means a lot, and makes up for a lot of things. But whereas a guy that was atleast raised, for the most part, in America would relate to me on a mental level that i cant relate to a fob on. Even if the guy was Arab, American, Chinese, Mexican, or whatever non-Paki race. Maybe I’m completely wrong, I’m young, and still have a month before I get married, so maybe i should post again after a year 😉
So how did the marriage go?
Im an arab getting married to a Pakistani fob, am i out of my mind?
Before I got married I would have given the same advice, that it doesn’t matter about different cultures but after being married to someone who isn’t of the same culture I always advise girls especially to reconsider someone from their own cultural background.
I am Pakistani and my husband is Indian and many would say thats not a big deal but I would say otherwise. It’s a big deal, a really big deal.
Whenever people get married they have problems and issues that they have to go through. I think it would personally be easier if the husband and wife were from the same cultural provincial background because there are many issues that they skip going through because they already know those things.
Even before I started my marriage with my husband their were so many thing in his culture that I didn’t have any idea about and I found out during the planning of the wedding and the days following the wedding which were very difficult for me.
The thing most people don’t realize is that they are so used to the way their culture does things that its an everyday thing for them that they don’t even realize it. But once they marry someone that is from another culture its like, well WE do things that way,and the other person is like well guess what I DO IT THIS WAY and so will you and you realize how you’ve become so used to your cultural way of life and it’s difficult to change something thats been instilled in you since you were born.
You may think well I can change its not a big deal, but in marriage there is a lot of compromise and change but usually people don’t want to compromise their cultural values. Especially if their husband’s mother is very adament about her cultural values. That could make it a whole lot more difficult.
My advice would be if your say Pakistani and from Punjab try to marry someone thats also Pakistani and from Punjab if not then look for someone that is at least Pakistani. It’s really important when it comes to everyday life and also raising your children.
Lastly, when i got married I overlooked something as simple as language…if you speak the same language its easier…your wife/husband can communicate with the people you love, aka your parents, grandparents, relatives, and people back in your country as opposed to if he doesn’t …its like you cut off this connection with the people that you care about…its something that i think is pretty important and i think girls should also think about it before jumping into things and having to just deal with it later. Some may say well everyone speaks english but i would say that theirs a reason Allah split us intro different tribes and its to get to know each other but that doesn’t mean its to forget who you are and where you come from.
Well, I’m from Mexico and my husband is from Pakistan… yes, you can say it doesn’t get more intercultural than that… but so far the 6 years we’ve been married it has worked out, alhamdullilah.
I think Islam has helped out A LOT in this matter… it has provided much of the baseline for our habits… it’s a rule that we have, if we find something that the Qu’ran or Sunnah say we should do in a certain way, then that is the way we try to adopt it… not the mexican or pakistani way of things. It has forced us to research much more the reasons for our habits and question more our ways of doing things.
The language is a big deal, especially with extended family… one can feel very disconnected from what is going on around the house, but there needs to be a lot of patience and cooperation.
Personally i think it has enriched my life tremendously. The main priorities are still the same: Allah, family, friends. It is important not to get too tied up on who is right or wrong, but what is the most efficient way of doing things for the couple now. It is also important to work things out between husband and wife ONLY and don’t involve extended members of the family, because ultimately people tend to take sides. The couple might have already gotten past an argument or difference of opinion, but the third parties would not and that’s when the whole cultural part of things can get messy.
I would not advise against intercultural marriages, but both parties need to understand that there would be a lot of compromise and willingness to work things out…and if they can take the stand that Islam comes first and before any cultural idea or background, i think it’s A LOT easier that way 😀
Marriage is really hard work even if you are from the same culture so when you add that difference its just another hurdle. But its most important that she figure out her position on raising children, finances, education, in-laws, how she wants to live Islam, will the wife work, who helps with housework. The people I know in intercultural marriages seem to have problems because they really didn’t ask these questions and your culture affects how you answer them. So if you both agree on the most important things, probably you can overcome the difference in culture. But dont be shy in finding out this information, even if you have your father or brother ask it.
I would recommend getting the book by Hedaya Hartford
Ok, thats my $.02 🙂
Assalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuhuh…
Alhamdulillaah for this wonderful religion…a deen that brings people from so very different backrounds together….for the purpose of completing our faith and helping one another in righteousness.
I think this topic is so important to discuss…because so many people who are seeking marriage overlook it, yet, as everyone has stated, it has many reprocussions on our lives. Subhaana Allah, before I got married, I said to my Wali, “It doesn’t matter where the brother’s from, just as long as his deen is good…” (this is probably a very typical statement from convert sisters like myself)….and little did I know that when I married a man from Bangladesh, my life would change DRASTICALLY! I agree 100% with “XYZ” that the success of the marriage rests in the willingness of the two to compromise and adapt to one another. I have had to sacrifice my own likes and dislikes many times in order for happiness in the marriage…and I am neither ashamed of this, nor am I complaining….because that is part of a healthy marriage…
Of all the things that the others have posted in their replies, I would say that the most significant things that have affected our inter-cultural marriage have been the in-laws and manners. My husband and I have had to learn about, respect, and adapt to the likes and dislikes of each other’s parents!! We both expect one another to respect each other’s parents, but since every culture has different ways of doing so, it has been quite an interesting experience, needless to say.
Furthermore, different cultures have different values and standards for what may or may not be socially and/or publically appropriate….case in point, Americans don’t pick their noses in public (ordinarily, that is…and certainly not admittedly!! LOL) but that may not be the case in other cultures….
however, having said all this, the fact still remains, as was stated in other messages, that as long as the two of you agree to let Allah and His Messenger, sallallahu ‘alayhe wa sallam, be the judges for all of your affairs, then you will be able to get through all of your problems, bi’ithnillah!!
may Allah put baarakah in your marriage, and cause it to be the means for you to attain Jannah. Ameen.
speaking of good books about marriage, a great reference for Marraige in Islam is Sheikh Jibaly’s marriage series:
http://www.kspublications.com/
it is full of information on how to find a spouse, develop a harmonious marriage, and raise good Muslim children.
Assalamu’Alaikum,
I totally agree with Ingrid’s post.(Salam Ingrid,I miss you so much)
My husband and I will have been married 13 years in July. It hasn’t always been easy, but that was before Islam. Since we both have been applying Islam in our lives we are much more compatible. Islam has really brought us closer.
As long as a marriage is base upon Islam, cultural differences can be worked out.
We are made from different tribes and nations so that we may know one another. What better way to know a people then through marriage. Then, not only will you know them you will love them.
As salamu ‘alaykum,
I’m Pakistan (raised here) and my husband is Indian (not raised here). I don’t know if that’s very intercultural, but even then there were a lot of differences.
I think intercultural marriages depend on how much the families (and of course the husband and wife) are willing to compromise and if they’re willing to respect their differences.
And if language is an issue… I would really tell the sister to think about it. Because if you can’t even communicate properly with your in laws…. well, that’d be hard. I’ve seen convert sisters come to gatherings where there are mostly desis, and I feel so bad for them because they’re almost always left out! Or they have to go and sit with the younger kids.
May Allah swt guide us all in our affairs and help us in our decisions. Ameen.
Subhaana Allah, I wish that someone would have a halaqa all about how it is islamically incorrect for a group of people to speak amongst themselves in a language to the exclusion of another person. Like Umm Umaarah said, she saw “convert sisters come to gatherings where there are mostly desis, and I feel so bad for them because they’re almost always left out! Or they have to go and sit with the younger kids.” I cannot tell you HOW many times that has happened to me, and it really does hurt. Although now I am sort of used to it, I do think we muslims need to learn the manners of dealing with one another so others aren’t put in that situation….but I guess this needs it’s own blog, doesn’t it!!!
Assalamu’alaikum
I agree with all being said here, from sisters Ingrid and Annette. They both said what I wanted to say.
Umm Reem, the main rule is Islam, follow the Qur’an and Sunnah. Abide by the teaching of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), bi’ithnillah, Allah will make the marriage full of blessings. All these things about culture are more or less to do with pride. Pride is the tool of Syaitan ever since he refused to bow to Adam Alaihisalam. So, whenever he (Syaitan) is able to make mischief between spouses, he has indeed achieved his goal.
I am from the far flung east myself and my husband is American revert. We both decided to embrace Islam and to adopt its way of life as our culture. We are human and are not perfect therefore we have differences that only matters of this world. In terms of the Deen, we have to be united. Whether one is Indian, Arab, Korean or German, it is all blessings. Put it this way, one day we can have spicy curry with roti, another day we’ll do shrimp noodle, rice and kimchi, shorba and kus-kus, another day we’ll have ketoffel and speatzel. Ha ha ha.
Indeed marry a person because of his/her beauty, status (family lineage, race), or wealth, but choose the one that is pious and you will be successful. This term “pious” has to be investigated seriously by the girl’s Walee and also apply both ways for the brothers too. At the end of the day, make du’aa and ask Allah to give the best of this world and success of the Akhirah. Remember though, in order for one to deserve the pious, one has to be best and pious too, because for every good person, there is a good spouse for her or him.
Khawla
Umm Abu Hurayrah,
that is indeed a big problem and a very sad situation too. I really feel that whenever it happens, that particular group of sisters should be reminded right there. This does need constant reminders…
i agree with a lot of what has been said already but justed wanted to mention that regardless if you choose a person from your culture or from a different culture you need to make sure where you stand before marriage. Of course the girl or guy you marry should be religious and he should follow the Qur’an and Sunnah but don’t forget to check out his adab. I’ve seen many girls drool over guys and their beards and how they lower their gaze and “look” so pious that they forget to look at anything else including the guys manners and anything else.
Religion is a really big part of your life but there are also other things that matter. Say his parents are not religious at all and he is and they try to push culture down your throat which they will if your husband wont say anything to them about it (which many guys today won’t say a word to their parents even if their wrong) then your stuck to deal with it.
my advice is look at his mother if your happy with her and he also fits what you want you will be happy insha’Allah of course you will have some road bumps but the key to a happy marriage is usually keeping the MIL happy.
just my 2 cents
As Salaamu alaikum wa rahmatuAllahi wa barakatuh,
Well I don’t know much about intercultural marriages and how much they work or not(and of course it varies from situation to situation)since I’m not married yet, but the point I wanted to bring up is about the concept of the “American Muslim identity”.
Honestly, as a Pakistani Muslimah born and raised in America my whole life, I feel like I would have more in common with maybe, an Arab American Muslim brother who’s been through the same things growing up here, etc.. than I would have with a Pakistani brother who recently moved here or has lived in Pakistan his whole life.
Although there would be some things different in our cultures, the fact of the matter is the paradigm we have had growing up: we didn’t really grow up with the “Pakistani” or “Arab” or “Malaysian” label as much as we grew up with the identity of just being a Muslim American. We’ve probably had similar issues growing up, going to schools here, peer pressure, pop culture, trying to please Allah the best we can here while still living in the American society, etc..
Not only would those struggles unite us but also they would help us raise our future children in America with those struggles in mind. Our children probably won’t have a distinct Arab or Pakistani identity more than a Muslim American identity like us. And (I’m just giving my example, once again) inshaAllah I would want to raise my kids on the Qur’an and Sunnah so culture wouldn’t even be heavily emphasized. For example, I would emphasize learning Arabic fusha first, not necesarily Urdu or maybe the Egyptian dialect of Arabic first.
So if some of these assumptions I am making are true about the whole American Muslim identity, I feel intercultural marriages between 2nd/3rd generation Muslims will work out, and even marriages between reverts of different nationalities or a 2nd/3rd generation with a revert, because their cultures already are so similar and their goals to follow the Qur’an and sunnah rather than follow one culture rigidly unite them.
Hope that made sense 😉 May Allah bless us with good spouses and guide us all to Jannah, ameen.
wa salaamu alaikum.
PS I think it definitely would be easier to marry someone from the same culture if someone is very, very cultural and identifies themselves a lot with their culture. Even if aren’t ‘nationalistic’ or obsessed with their culture but even if they are just ok with their culture, take the good and leave the bad (like me) then of course, it would be much easier to marry someone of the same culture who also takes the good and leaves the bad from the culture.
But at the same time, although the latter would be easier, I don’t think it would be entirely impossible for an intercultural marriage to work out between two Muslims of different cultures who are willing to compromise. I believe where there’s a will there’s a way, and from the Sunnah of the Prophet (salAllahu alayhi wasalam) we see that he did marry outside his tribe and family and how diversity is a beautiful aspect of Islam.
As long as one spouse doesn’t think their culture is better or as long as they aren’t against compromising, I think it could work. Wa Allahu ta’ala alam. 🙂
SIster in Islam, I understnad what you mean. It is the same what most of my ABCD frineds do when some FOBs propose…their concern is about ‘understanding each other’ which, perhaps, cannot happen in most cases if two parties grow up in totally different places.
Of course, these girls will not marry an irreligious ABCD, but their concern is a valid concern, and Allah knows best.
It has to do with the man firstly, then his family, how much they are into culture, but the man is most important, but she should also look into his family in general.
if the man is religious and doesn’t care much about cultural things, then no problem insha Allah, but of course one must make istikhara also.
It depends too on the sister, if she cares about cultural things or not, if she does care about her culture and likes to follow it, and he doesn’t, then it might cause problems, wallahu a’lam.
There is a whole discussion about this going on at muslimmatters.
In my opinion it shouldn’t necessarily matter what ethnic background the person comes from, as we all know the first person to give azaan was a black man, non?
The cultural differences can become a tad too much, that I’ll agree. My friend is about to be married to an Arabic boy, she herself is Pakistani, like me. Though they speak different languages, the boy has started to learn urdu, so he can communicate with her family and she’s attempted at arabic, though she’s finding it hard.
The choice to learn his language was her own, he never pressured her into it, whereas to learn urdu, he wanted to learn so that he ould tell her “I love you” in he rmother tongue and ask her parents for her hand in marriage in their language.
I myself am for inter cultural marriages, aslong as the person can adjust and embrace the other’s customs. It can be especially hard, but I think more so for the girl. She has to adjust more than the male, except in my friends case he’s more open minded.
I can understand why our older generation were so anti-different ethnic marriages, but I think it should be a thing of the past. We’ve moved to a mixed cultural society, so the chances of us being married to somebody within our culture can be slim, dependant on where we live.
And anyways, we are all Allah tallah’s children, no difference between us, we are equal. If they’re both Muslim, it shouldn’t even matter. Especially if they’re in love, as they say. Love is the sign of Allah.
Assalamo Alikum Everyone, Im a Pakistani, born and raised over there, but i was a teenager when my family moved to america. I always try to follow Islam and Islamic values. I am not married yet but I was thinking of marrying an arab guy who was born and brought up here. I have known him for last five years and he is a really good muslim. I also met his family who is very religious, outgoing and nice. Every time we used to have a conversation our cultural and family values came up to be the same…..we almost agree on everything. I just want to know from my other muslim sisters, who are already married and knows the ups and downs of the marriage, Is it a good decision to take a step forward and marry this guy??? I would really appreciate your help in this matter.
Ma’salama
Sister Riya, I am not in that situation since both me and my husband are from the same background, so I won’t be able to advice you. But I suggest that you talk to your family and discuss this issue with them first before settling down with your decision.
Hope things work out with you.
Asalamolakum,
The couple usually don’t have a problem with being from different ethnicities especially if they were raised in the in the same country and islam is of the highest priority. I find that the families and the community are usually the source of fitna in these situations.
families and community can be a source of fitna in any marriage. its up to the two people involved to protect their relationship from fitna.
i think if you agree on most big things in life and you have alot of similarity in your backgrounds/interests, then insh’allah it could possibly turn out to be a great decision.
remember..marrying within your culture is not necessarily somehow insuring that yur marriage will be happy and dandy.
i was married for a short while to someone from my own culture. and there were a lot of value differences in our families, in us.
in my current marriage, we are from different cultures but we have so much more in common, from our upbringing to values to goals etc.
it just depends on various factors that ensure success in marriage. culture is just one. but remember ‘culture’ or cultural difference can exist even when you marry from within the same culture.
A marriage cannot survive on deen alone – you need to have other things in place to ensure compatibility. That may be culture, it may be interests, it may be outlook on life. It varies from person to person.
I am sorry to disagree with you. A marriage will survive on deen alone if both the partners have love for Allah besides love for each other. Only a person who has so much love for this world, wants to follow non-Muslim lifestyle and give less importance to Akhirah will think about so called culture, interests and outlook on life. For a Muslim, culture, interests and outlook on life should be based on Quran. We can’t learn these things from non-Muslims. We learn it from Quran. I think the term “FOB” is derogatory.
I am Arab and thinking of marrying a Paki guy. We both were born and raised in America. I know for a fact that if we got married there would be no problems between us, but with our families. I don’t understand why the parents have such an impact on who their childen marry. It is their lives and if they are happy, why not? To me, religion is the most important factor and alahamdudillah we are both Muslims. I am affraid our parents are not going to allow us to get married. Any advice?
I’m Paki – married to an Arab. We were both raised in the same country. Alhamdulillah we have not had issues because we are on a similar vein in most things and especially our thinking. We both find some cultural differences interesting and sometimes quite funny. I think the main positive thing we have is that both our families can speak English (so there is no real communication barrier) and that both sets of parents were fine with the marriage and are the non-interfering type. That makes all the difference in my opinion. If you can get along with the family, communicate and keep them happy then you will be fine. Occasionally things can crop up but that would happen if I married someone from my own culture anyways as even different families have different expectations.
So I guess my answer is it all depends on the people and the situation. There is no ‘Yes you should marry someone from a diff culture’ or ‘No it is bad and you will create problems’ type of answers because every marriage is unique and individual.
Assalam-o-alikum Sisters,
I am glad to see this discussion. I am of Pakistani origin and looking for some reverted or spouse from different culture to marry who has love for Allah and Islam.
I wish that my relationship with my spouse be based totally on Islam. I feel that if relationsip is based on Islam the cultural differences can be parted.
My friend and family are advising me against. I know its difficult but it will work if source of mediation between parties is Islam.
Any comments or advices are most welcome.
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatu
Anon:Just to pinpoint your statement Must have been a slip of tonugue
we aren’t all Allah subhana wa ta’ala’s children we are all his slaves.
Part of our AqEEDAh I fely it an obligation to correct you.baraka’Allahu feeki
I wish i had friends like you sisters arghh. Mashalah. Always there to remind each other of good and forbid evil. Straight on the path and on sunnah .never too shy of correcting eachother and never feeling offended by each other. Mashalah. May Allah grantt me friends like you. Ameen
Dated: 26 December 2009
Subject: For Getting A Great Sympathy.
Dear Sir/Madam,
I have Receive your letter and Read it. Take my cordial love. I am Md. Saiful Islam, the director of ‘Prottasha Computers ltd’. Which is situated at Kaligonj in Satkhira of Bangladesh. This institute is actually in the southeast part of a poorer country like Bangladesh. To reach an extensive recent information among the unconsciousness persons, to teach on general knowledge in ignorance persons, to facilitate primary treatment among them, to operate on various types of works among unemployed young, to help for spreading an information of developed countries, to stand beside poorer persons in the event of all kinds of natural disaster and so on is the purpose of this organization. It is added that to train on computer and a credit on micro finance is also an aim of this organization. But it is a matter of great regret that because of lacking sufficient economy this origination is faced with destruction at this moment. Besides this a recent cyclone named ‘‘SIDR” & “AILA” has damaged our all thing. For this our financial condition has become so much low/shortest that’s not being expressed in a few words.
In the circumstances stated above to run this institution appropriately I need a sufficient sum which is not possible for me to collect. So I would like to a great help from you so that this institution can run with a great speed. I therefore pray and hope that your honor would be kind enough to realize the problem I face and take necessary steps to solve it. It is also added that about 25/30 persons are served for this institution. But alas! At present it has become impossible for me to give an attractive salary to them. In this way it has become a great difficult to run/lead this organization. This institution is truly essential to prevent against all kinds of prejudices. This organization plays such an important role to develop their poor condition.
The extreme objectives of this institution:
• To train on Computer Networking, General knowledge, Mobile Servicing among the poorer and employer.
• To teach the ignorance and helpless people in practical.
• To educate on e-mail and Internet, to train on various workshop included job profession among the young generation, to develop on recent extensive information in unconsciousness persons, to stand and help beside the helpless person, to challenge against natural disaster, to arrange food/cloth and shelter for the disaster affected people, to educate women and child in a proper way and above all to establish an exploitation free society.
At last I have to admit that in spite of having such types of multi-objectives, this institution are being restricted by lacking a large number of economy.
So, I need a great help from you. I will highly be pleased if you consider me as a greater for the welfare of nation. I expect from you that as possible as you will try heart and soul to realize the importance of this letter and to care the above mentioned speeches.
Thanking you
Yours truly,
Mr. Saiful Islam
Director,
Prottasha Computers ltd.
Thana Road, Kaligonj, Satkhira, Bangladesh.
Bank Account no: c/a-763 in favor of Islami Bank Bangladesh Ltd.
(Kaligonj branch, Satkhira, Bangladesh)
Contact no: +8801713912805
E-mail no: cic00280@gpcic.org
tohasaiful@yahoo.com
N.B- I hope this letter will be considered with a great humanity so that through it a large number of unemployed can find their life address.
Salaam alaykum warahmatullah..
I myself am in this situation where I wish to marry a brother who is arab and I am Pakistani. Th most basic advice I can give you is to, place your trust in Allah. If the brother is religiously committed then Alhamdulilah. Problems in life are all a test from Allah the Most High. They will come to you if you marry someone from the same culture or a different culture. The best thing to do is, ask all the relevant important questions before marrying, and pray Istikharah. Allah’s guidance is best, and then ask advice from the believers. No one is guaranteed a happy life in this world. This is why we must make decisions placing our trust in Allah swt. I hope this advice helps insha’Allah. This goes to me before anyone else insha’Allah.
I’m not sure the place you are getting your information, but good topic.
I must spend some time studying much more or figuring out more.
Thank you for magnificent information I used to be looking
for this info for my mission.