Muslim matters has an interesting discussion going on here. Although the series brings out a lot of issues, one particular that interested me was the issue of ‘haya’. More specifically, haya in terms of clothing among girls especially the way Indo-Pakis view it.
Last Tuesday, during our study circle, some of the Pakistani mothers brought up an issue of raising their teenage daughters. Among their concerns was the dress code at home. Basically, the mothers want the daughters to be dressed modestly at home, i.e. no shorts or sleeveless and prefer if they keep themselves wrapped with a ‘dupatta’ (piece of cloth used to cover from shoulders down to the chest i.e. the places of ‘zeenah’). I wasn’t surprised because I myself come from a Pakistani background. However, I was surprised because the mothers were trying to find an ‘islamic’ excuse to enforce their daughters to do so in the name of ‘haya’ and modesty. They were concerned that if they let their daughters roam around the house in shorts (up to their knees or below) or sleeveless then they will lose from their modesty.
These girls, those mothers were talking about, are quite friendly with me. They had spoken to me before about this problem. They wanted me to convince their mothers to allow them to be ‘comfortable’ at home as long as they don’t cross their limits Islamically. I sort of found myself stuck in a ‘battle’ between mothers and daughters on this issue!
However, I must admit: I am on the daughters’ side on this issue. These girls, mashaAllah, properly cover themselves when they step out of their homes, some even cover MORE then their mothers. They are very modest and shy in public. Since, I believe that they are observing their ‘haya’ at the right place, I believe they should be allowed a bit more freedom at home. For instance, one of these girls was taking a Qur’an class with the Imam of our Masjid. Since she was going to sit in front of the Imam, she felt so shy that she borrowed my niqaab! If the same girl wants to wear shorts (up to her knees or below) or sleeveless at home, I honestly do not see any problem with that.
I tried to convince their mothers that they must keep in minds that their daughters are not growing up back home where every girl covers herself with a ‘dupatta’ (although now-a-days the purpose is totally defeated). If these girls are covering themselves properly in public places, then they should be given the freedom at home at least. Secondly, haya is not bound and limited to a ‘dupatta’ alone because if this was the case then all the Arab ladies will be considered shameless!
Some mothers seemed convinced but some were still hesitant. Since, I am fairly close to these mothers too, I could give them my honest opinion on this. I truly hope they think about it because it is a quite serious matter for their daughters.
It is quite interesting though, that this is a general trend among many Indian/Pakistani families. The girls are brought up in a certain way and with a certain dress code at home. The mothers themselves are not comfortable with their daughters being dressed in a “different” way at home because of their own upbringing and the environment they had seen around them. However, now that they raise their daughters in Western lands, I honestly believe that they need to realize the difference of place and time.
It could raise a number of problems. Firstly, the daughters may rebel, especially if they feel that they already fight a battle outside their homes with their hijabs & jilbabs then why can’t they be “comfortable” at homes.
Secondly and more seriously, it may arouse marital problems later in their lives. If the mothers successfully instill this shyness, allow me to call it ‘extra’ shyness, and then the girls may not be able to dress/act in certain ways in front of their husbands leading to intimacy problems. I know of some of my Pakistani friends who couldn’t even wear a nighty just because they felt ‘too shy’!
One respected Arab sister, who is a marriage counselor in Houston, asked me once why Pakistani girls were so shy. She told me how majority of the time newly wed Pakistanis have intimacy issues just because girls are too shy and can’t comply with their husbands’ demands. I think my dear Pakistani mothers must keep in mind that the boys who will be marrying their daughters are not those boys anymore who would be content with their wives if they simply put some makeup and jewelry on. Unfortunately, not only time has changed but even the environment around our youth.
assalmualaikum .alhamdulilah even i have seen those girls wearing proper hijab.i really appreciate them for their modest islamic dressing .Two of them with whom i travelled not only wore hijab but also their conversation with Beach other was gentle and soft.
Here in this case i would blame mothers who in their daughter’s early stages of life would like to dress them up in all those fashionable clothes
for them to look pretty.and now when they themselves what to dress the way they were brought up with…..WHY BLAME THEM?
psssht, what’s wrong with that niqaab-girl, must have some psychological problem. wierdooo if you ask me…
;]
i agree “ummsomebodyinthefuture(inshaAllah)”. who knows what goes through her head everday. she must have an internal conflict with herself and doesn’t want to accept her self. she needs to face her fears of… THE PAKISTANI CULTURE!!!
Hey, Ummsomebodyinthefuture and ummsomebodyinthepresent…are you gals talking about me?!!
watch out..i know both of you! 🙂
lol we weren’t talking about YOU, we were talking about ME, hahahaha. we love you, baj!
Actually all, Allah swt mentions in the Quran that a women needs to cover her chest area if there are males around her who know the difference between a women and man’s body (particularly the chest area), therefore she is required to cover it even in front of her father, brothers and sons.
Muslim Sista…please quote the ayah…
When I visited Pakistan (a town) for the first time, I noted that the main doors are not locked. Neighbors and relatives popped in and out all the time without knocking, or ringing. This meant that my daughter and I had to keep our hijaab on all the time. Hence, possibly this led to the tradition of having the dupatta draped around you 24 plus? This is dangerous when cooking – I know of a friend’s relative in India whose duppatta caught fire and she died as a result of severe burns.
i strongly disagree with ummreem. women are created beautiful by Allah. which means any part of their body u look at, is attractive. Everyone showing skin is showing for the reason that they know that it will look interesting to the opposite sex. Ad companies use women body including LEGS to sell there product. they know when they will have women in a certain way, than it will attract customer. The point i am trying to make here is when girls wear shorts or mini skirt at home then their skin will show. Legs are sexy to look at. at home we have brothers and father. and they happen to be MALE. oh comeon dont say that it is disgusting. How can i even think like that. but thats the reallity. Even Allah said that mother and adult son or father and adult daughter cant sleep on the same bed. there is the reason to it. wether u like or not. that is the fact. and dont tell me u dont get what iam saying.
Sister/brother dont need, u have the right to disagree with me. However, what you are saying may be irrational. If legs cannot be uncovered in front of mehram, just because they are an attractive part of the body, then I can say that the face should not be uncovered either because it is a VERY attractive part of the body. In fact, face is the center of attention/attraction, a person’s beauty is mainly judged by a person’s face. Does it mean that the girls cannot uncover their face in front of their mehrams, or hair etc.?
No, the rulings are completely different when it comes to brothers, father etc. Allah azzawjal has allowed the females to reveal their beauty/adornments in front of their mehrams:
“…and to draw their veils all over Juyubihinna and not to reveal their adornment except to their husbands, their fathers, their husband’s fathers, their sons, their husband’s sons, their brothers or their brother’s sons, or their sister’s son…” (Nur: 31)
Now of course, it doesn’t mean that the girls go around the house wearing a mini-skirt or a ‘short’ short, rather, there is an opinion that states that she can uncover her legs up to her knee, and some say up to her shin, wAllahu ta’ala ‘alam.
As for the adult child not allowed to sleep together with parents, it is for the obvious reason that sleeping together in a bed is way different then being ‘conciously’ awake during the day. For instance, when a person sleeps he/she is unconscious and doesn’t realize what he/she is doing and where a person’s hand moves to. As indicated in the hadeeth of the Prophet, sallallahu alihi wasalam, in which he asked us to wash our hands when we wake up for we don’t know where our hand moves in (paraphrased: Muslim; Abu Dawud; Tirmidhi)
And indeed Allah knows best.
Salaam
I am a muslim pakistani female and i am almost 20years old. my relatives think like those mothers mentioned earlier. But in my house we do not think like that. We place religion before culture. I cover up infront of anyone who is not my mehram. and at home wen there is only mehrams i wear wot i lyk as long as it is not too inappropriate.
Is it necessary to cover the chest with a duppata ? I understand in front of brother in law because he is not mahram and he can marry you. But what about brothers? And fathers? They are my mahram, so is it really necessary in front of them? Like I can’t even marry my brother or father so it shouldn’t be necessary, should it? I wear shalwar kameez at home. I’m raised in Canada, and even when I go out with friends. I cover myself , wearing jeans. I wear t-shirt, and jeans all the time. My friends who are white , they wear mini skirt, shorts, deep v neck shirts. The trend of wearing dupatta in Canada, is dying . None of my Muslim friends , wear it. Even the really respectable girls. I never wear the shorts at home, I never expose my legs. I wear sweat pants and t-shirt but every time I do. My brother and brother in law complain and tell me to wear shalwar kameez and wear dupatta over my chest. I understand why my brother in law says it to me but it makes no sense to me why my brother is asking me to do it. My father is a lil more laid back and he doesn’t mind me wearing sweat pants and t-shirt and no dupatta because he knows that when I leave the house I don’t expose body parts. I
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