My purpose is not to attack anyone, any group or any intellect, rather to show what is misapprehended. The link in this entry is with the permission of the author.
As my blog venture continues, I come across that which I wish hadn’t existed. Ignorance is a bliss, and truly my mind was in much peace before I read some of the stuff I wish I hadn’t read! As my husband probably would say, ‘wake up to the progressive interpretations of Islam.’
In the name of misogyny, much has been said and much has been questioned to the degree that many have denied and rejected ayats/ and ahadeeth just to satisfy what they think is fair and ‘acceptable’. Let’s consider
A. Husband calls his wife for intimacy, she refuse. She is cursed. Period i.e. full stop i.e. no questions asked, no explanation to the rule.
B. Husband calls his wife for intimacy; she refuses because she is sick (emotionally/physically), or they had a fight, or she is upset, or she has SOME excuse. Is she still cursed by the angels?
C. She is never cursed because angels are there to protect her in mercy not to curse her.
Al-Bukhaari (3237) and Muslim (1436) narrated that Abu Hurayrah (RA) said: The Messenger of Allaah (SAW) said: “If a man calls his wife to his bed and she refuses, and he spends the night angry with her, the angels curse her until morning.”
C could have been an answer had it not been for the authentic hadeeth of the Prophet (saw). But C still remains the answer for some who, perhaps, adopt the western definition of equality and justice, and with these preconceived notions in mind, overrule the hadeeth based on the ‘intellectual superiority’. (this is a topic in itself, but not what I have in mind right now)
Now what happens? The hadeeth is 100% authentic. So any woman who refuses to satisfy her husband in bed is cursed all night? That’s quite a few hours of the night! What if she dies during this night, is she doomed? What if her husband dies angry with her, is she still doomed? What happens if a husbands asks for intimacy while she is menstruating, or post-partum bleeding, or in labor? “Give him orgasm during each contraction”?!
Totally confused? Don’t be, read this before you read the rest. (Please don’t leave any harsh/emotional comments on her blog. Advice comes with wisdom and kindness)
The sister who writes the letter has DEFINITEY misunderstood and misapplied the hadeeth. I pondered and thought much of her situation; would the angels curse a woman if she refuses to join her husband in his bed under her circumstances? She has an excuse, an excuse beyond valid. And the hadeeth in question refers to those women who refuse simply because they feel like to refuse, without any reason and without any excuse!
In a society where women were raped, used, exchanged, humiliated, Allah azzawjal elevated them. In a society where women were buried alive, Allah azzawjal protected them. In a society where women were nothing more then an object of men’s pleasure, Allah azzawjal secured them with proper marriage, rights to inherit, rights to divorce, rights that were unheard of for women before were granted to them.
How can then Islam debase her in the most intimate, affectionate bond that she binds with her husband, a bond only allowed through the holiness of marriage, a bond that if done otherwise makes her a whore and if done in the sacredness of her marriage makes her chaste. How can Islam allow her husband to ‘rape’ her in the name of ‘Islam’ when Islam is the only icon of women’s protection on this face of earth.
No, rather the problem lies in the marriage where a husband and wife fail to communicate properly. A marriage where the husband is so heedless of his wife that he doesn’t even realize her not enjoying intimacy with him, her not having any pleasure while he had it all. I am sorry, but such a marriage lacks the fundamentals of a ‘harmonious’ marriage and the sister misunderstands and misapplies the hadeeth of Prophet (saw).
I assure those who are confused about this hadeeth, it is misunderstood by vast majority and misused by ignorant men. The scholars of Islam with ‘real’ knowledge of Qur’an and Sunnah will elaborate if asked, inshaAllah. It is unfortunate though; that those scholars are not majority and majority is oblivious to the explanation. When I searched, it didn’t take me long to find what could have answered this sister’s problem.
“This is not correct. Rather the angels do not curse the wife who refuses to share her husband’s bed unless she has no valid excuse. If she has an excuse – such as being sick, or menstruating, or bleeding following childbirth (nifaas), or observing an obligatory fast, then she is not cursed, rather her husband who calls her to bed is sinning if he insists on calling her, or forces her when he knows of her situation.”!
Some may question, ‘why does she have to have an excuse to refuse her husband’. Allow me to be bold enough to say: In a harmonious and happy marriage, a wife will NOT refuse unless she has an excuse.
Those who share a happy marriage know what I say. Those who are not in a happy marriage to begin with (and may Allah grant them one), then it is the marital issue that arouses displeasure in intimacy for a wife which leads to her refusal/ or want to refuse. Let’s put our blames at the right place and not blame the hadeeth for causing any problems, neither reject the hadeeth just because ignorant tyrant man have used it for marital rapes!
If a wife must refuse for a reason, then her refusal will not incur ‘angelic curse’, rather cause her husband to assure her ‘peace’ or offer her a solution. And Yes, lack of sex interest in itself is an excuse, but something that must be worked on.
However, Islam is the only religion that recognizes women’s lack of sex-interest during menstruation and post child-delivery, RESPECTULLY allowing her her time and space when she needs it the most. (I emphasize respectfully because it may exist in Judaism also but women are considered filthy during that time).
It is Islam that has recognized a woman’s need of foreplay to enjoy her intimacy with her husband, the Prophet of Allah commanded the Muslim men:
“Let none of you come upon his wife like an animal, let there be an emissary between them.” When asked what the emissary was, he replied, “The kiss and sweet words.”
In another hadith, the Prophet (saw) points out that one of the deficiencies of a man is that “he should approach his wife and have sexual contact with her before exchanging words and caresses, consequently, he sleeps with her and fulfils his needs (i.e. orgasm) before she fulfils hers.”
It is Islam that has gone out of its way to assure satisfaction and pleasure to women, so much so, that when the companions sought permission to practice coitus-interruptus, he (saw) told them to take their wives’ permission so their pleasure is not reduced!
So then if one authentic hadeeth is rejected merely because intellect fails to understand, then all the other beautiful ahadeeth must be rejected so not to ‘pick & choose’, but if we want to accept the ones that fulfill our desires and interest, then we just cannot reject the one that doesn’t fit in our limited human intellects.
The cry of ‘Islamic’ misogyny is too loud but the voice is hollow and hence irritating. It is not Islam that has mistreated women rather man himself, it is not Islam that abuse women rather man himself, it is not Islam that curses women rather the actions of a woman herself.
[On a side note: Alhamdullilah the hadeeth in Bukhari about angelic curse has an explanation, but even if it was not clarified, even if there was no explanation, our duty as Muslims was to accept it and submit to it with certainty that Allah is Just and His messenger’s message is Just. We may not be able to comprehend everything but the limitations of our mind do not authorize us to disqualify ayaths or ahadeeth. May Allah azzawjal give all of us tawfeeq to ‘hear and obey’, amin.]