When I was growing up, I never had a close relationship with my mother. I could not approach her for every question/issue I had in mind, but between my mother and father, I always loved my mother more!
As I grew older, I noticed most of my friends had a very close relationship with their mothers, and it always made me want to have the same with my mother. Unfortunately, it was not until after I got married my mother became ‘informal’ with me, but, by then it was ‘too late’ (for the lack of a better term)!
Now that I look back at my life, I do appreciate her ‘strictness’ some what, not only because it kept me in-check but I was also ‘forced’ to obey her, if you know what I mean. So there are not too many memories of me disobeying my mother even behind her back, not out of respect but out of fear! However, I wish I had a friendly relationship with my mother, more informal then what I had because it did turn me rebellious at times.
And now that I am raising my own children, I don’t want to create a distance between them and me. I wanted to keep a very close relationship, like a ‘friend’. However, as my daughter, 9, grows up I can see that although she is fairly close to me (at least closer then what I was to my mom), she doesn’t have the same level of respect for me that I had for my mother. It is not that I don’t get upset with her or punish her, but still she is far more ‘outspoken’ then I ever was with my mother. And it is very hard for me to figure out where to draw a line, or can I draw a line if I want her to be close to me?!
I want her to be able to approach me for any and every question/concern of hers, and it is for this reason that whatever she has asked me I have always answered her, even some of the ‘difficult’ questions. But, I also noticed that now she even questions me about everything that *I* do/say, curious to know everything and pretty much interferes in everything that I do! I want to be her ‘friend’ but at the same time I want her to learn to respect me (for the very fact that if she doesn’t learn to respect her mother, she will not be able to respect anyone else). And to be honest, I am not really very sure how exactly to do this.
I know what my parents did for me was best in their minds, especially knowing that they grew up overseas, it is norm to keep a distance between parents and children. But raising children here is like a ‘mission’, but of course not a ‘mission impossible’!!
I don’t have a role model to follow here in West (or perhaps I just haven’t found one yet). How I wish there were written guidelines for raising children to follow step by step, it would have made life so much easy. I know I make mistakes, but I try to learn as I go along, however, I do hope and pray that my mistakes don’t damage my children’s personalities.
How true is what someone once said, “It is easy to give birth, what is hard is to raise them!”
Contemporary Contemplation 
sounds like you are doing a good job to me. I have the similar issues but my kids are younger. I’m not sure if this is what you mean but my issue has been with discipline. I want them to develop self discipline and respect for authority but I don’t want to be a tyrant and I like having a close relationship with them.
One book that I found helpful is 123 Magic. I found some good ideas in there.
I’m sure you are instilling taqwa in her and that is most important.
An interesting thought not totally related: one of the instruction Luqman gave his son was:
يَا بُنَيَّ أَقِمِ الصَّلاةَ وَأْمُرْ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ وَانْهَ عَنِ الْمُنْكَرِ وَاصْبِرْ عَلَى مَا أَصَابَكَ إِنَّ ذَلِكَ مِنْ عَزْمِ الأُمُورِ
O my son, establish prayer, command good, prohibit evil, and be patient at that which befalls you, in deed that is from the most serious matters (poor translation)
I remember contemplating this verse and thinking… how do you train a child or even a young man to command good and forbid evil… and that to doing it properly… i wonder if a certain degree of outspokenness is therefore something to be encouraged… but at the same time respect for the parents is of the utmost importance… this is not a solution… just a thoght
SubhanAllah, islamicsciences this is one of my main concerns. I realize that her ‘outspokenness’ can be something positive in her and I oftne find myself telling her, ‘i hope you use this in a good way’ but it needs a CONSISTANT mentoring and checking on her. You see, in order for her to be ‘friendly’ with me I overlook a lot of things she does/says to me and later talk to her about that she shouldn’t have talked to her mother that way. But then she even does that to other elders especially her other elder relatives, which gets her in trouble at the moment and earns me my fair share of criticism on how I’m raising my child.
For instance, if she gets yelled at for something she wasn’t ENTIRELY responsible for, or she had a reason to do/say a certain thing, she would keep defending her case until she gets further in trouble and gets called ‘disrespectful’.
I suppose I’m having hard time defining the concept of ‘respect’ to her or being ‘humble’ and not aruge. But it is sort of hard with a 9 year old. I don’t want her confidence and outspokenness to disappear but at the same time I don’t want her to not respect olders…AH!!
Great post. I can definitely relate. I think most of us can. I wish too that I had a different type of realtionship with my mom. For me it was when I got married that this door was opened. But to tell you the truth better late than never. I really love my mother. But that doesn’t meanm that I haven’t learned from her mistakes. I am my childrens parent/friend. But more of a parent than a friend. Need to keep things in check…lol. kidding. i love my children. and i have learned so much from them. they bring me so much joy. may allah make you successful in what your doing. I totally understand. take care Saba!
Mama, Did you even tell them how helpful I am to u? especially takeing care of junjun? (Jana)?
~Reem~
^ 🙂
Hmm…you were not supposed to read this post! 🙂
But, YES, there is not doubt that my daughter is my right hand, mashaAllah. She has helped me more in just 9 years then I ever helped my mother in 29 years!
To be quiet honest, she is Jana’s, my 11month daughter, mommy #2.
Reemo, u’re such a show-off 🙂
:$
Baba!
Assalamu’alaikum
Now, we can all get credits from courses about parenting by:
Drs. Ekram and Mohamed Rida Beshir, as a wife/husband team, together co-authored several best-selling parenting books such as Meeting the Challenge of Parenting in the West, Muslim Teens, Today’s Worry, Tomorrow’s Hope, Blissful Marriage and Parenting Skills based on Qur’an and Sunnah. They have also authored parenting books in Arabic. Some of their parenting books have been translated to French and German languages. They are teaching two courses on the subject of parenting with the Islamic American University. They are both regular contributors to the family section of several magazines such as American Muslim, Islamic Horizons, and the Message magazine. Both Drs. Ekram and Mohamed Rida Beshir are also advisers on the Islam online website family section. Drs. Ekram and Mohamed Rida Beshir are the recipients of the City of Ottawa Certificate of Appreciation for the year 2003 for their volunteer work in the area of Education. They have traveled extensively, presenting workshops to various Muslim communities all over the world.
Sister Reem can also gets her credits for helping with little Jana (smile)
Khawla
I was raised in a more ‘contemporary’ mexican home and so we weren’t raised like many parents raise their children. We were ill mannered but at the same time we were close with our mom (not dad, he was ‘old style).
I remember once a desi sister, whom I worked with at the daycare of the Madrasah here, heard Layth call me “Mama” and I wasn’t paying attention as I was busy with other kids. He said “Mama” again, wanting me. I didn’t respond. Finally, he said, “Mami Asmaa”… and man this sister flips out!
It’s crazy cause her own kids don’t respect her honestly, but she grabbed my son’s arm and told him not to call me by my name. I looked at her and said, “Wait, you can stop. He didn’t mean it in an unrespectful manner.” And she turns and says, “He shouldn’t be calling you by your name.” I, at this point angry, said, “What is wrong with him calling me by my name to get my attention? He knows there are two mamas in here and so he is singling me out.” She stopped.
Then she continues telling him and I am angered and tell her to stop telling him anything. Goodness he’s 3 right. And he says out of confusion, “I don’t like Mami, I like Asmaa’…” because she was telling him to call me Mami and not Asmaa’.
She turns and looks at me and says, “Did you hear that? He doesn’t like to call you Mami but Asmaa?!”
I told her that she was making him think there was a difference between Mami and Asmaa’ and that the only reason he said that was because of her stupidity in ‘correcting’ him. I told her he was 3 years old and she needed to learn some hikmah.
I don’t know but that angered me. I was taught as a child that we must respect our elders and it is best not to call them by their names but instead use 3rd person like “usted” etc…when calling for them but you know, he didn’t mean it like that. But that didn’t matter to this desi woman and at that point in time I was actually very grateful I didn’t think like her.
So I feel pretty much like you sometimes but because of others. I know the type of house I was raised in but yet my grandparents and other family members were taught differently. If they heard me talk to my mom the way I did, they would flip out. I speak to her very comfortably but they won’t speak like that to my grandma. My grandma didn’t even like us calling her grandma, but “Mami Fide” because she said it was rude to call her grandma because it made her feel old.
Also, my husband’s side of the family is arab and they also aren’t that close to each other. There isn’t that bond because there seems to be a fine line you can cross in communication. Honestly, I don’t want that as a part of me and my son’s life.
My son comes to me and tells me everything. He isn’t in fear of me. If he does something, I correct him and he may be cautious of me for a bit because he knows I am upset but that’s really it. I just want to have with my son what I didn’t have with my father because of how he was raised and what I didn’t have and couldn’t have had with the rest of my family…
*sigh* Sorry for such a long post.
Aslaam alaikam, My reply to Umm Layth
One of the characteristics that we are enjoined to practice as Muslims is sabr (patience). Next time you get in a situation like this, my sister-in-Islam, you have a chance to put this in action (and get Ajr reward). Hey, I am saying this now but in my youth, I got angry plenty. May Allah forgive me – Ameen.
I am now older and hopefully wiser – heh! heh!
All three of my children called me by name when they were young. Sigh! I am going all soppy reliving those amusing memories of them imitating my husband’s tone in calling me; and in my mother’s tone. I also pleady guilty of calling my mother Apajan (big sister) because everyone else was calling her that.
You know, we spend the first two years of a child’s life competing with the father in training them to say Mum before they can say Dad. And then spend the next 20 years regetting that when their demands increase: Mom, Mum, Mo..o..o.m, MOM, MOM!! Where are you? And we throw up our hands in disgust thinking: Doesn’t this child know any name other than Mom?!
Imagine this following scenario if our kids did not know our names:
A small child is roaming the mall, sobbing for his mother. The mall’s security guard takes him in for questioning.
(The cop is desi. He has to be desi; otherwise how is he going to understand the following dialogue?) 🙂
Cop: What is your mother’s name, son?
Boy: Mama!
Cop: What is her other name?
Boy: Mummy, of course!
Cop: No, no, what is her real name
Boy: Mother! sigh!
Cop: Okay, I going about this the wrong way.
What does your father call her?
Boy: Jaanu (darling)
Cop: Fine, what does your grandmother call her?
Boy: Beti (daughter)
Cop: So, what does your other grandmother call
her?
Boy: Nuu (daughter-in-law)
Cop: (getting frustrated) What does your aunt
call her?
Boy: Bhaji (sister)
Cop: I give up, what is your name?
Boy: Beta (Son)…….
Cop: Should I dare ask your father’s name? Do you know your father’s name?
Boy: Of course! (huffing) Abuji!! (triumphantly)
Geeee…. we desi(s) are so very respectful!!
A desi muslim (yours very humbly)
Musafira: that was funny!
When my daughter was younger, her frineds’ used to call me ‘khala saba’ and she started calling me khala saba too!
wa `alaykum as-Salaam
Sis Musafira, imagine the sabr I did have. She grabbed my son’s arm (3 years old) like he was some teenager. He got scared by her sudden grap and almost fell off the slide he was playing on because of her silly behavior.
I could have pulled a mexican on her but I think I was quite nice.
Umm reem, sound like you are raising ME and I can relate because I am raising mini ME! As for lil Ms Reem… I picked up on the way she said ‘even’ in her comment. I was lol! If you still have family in this neck of the woods, we must hook up, we can shake our heads at our daughters as they out talk each other.
Umm Layth, I’m about to show this to a Cuban friend, I know it’s not the same but still…lol
Umm Adam, maybe you should tell me then how your mom raised you?! 🙂
I don’t have any family in KS, but one day hope to move there inshaAllah. Maybe if you come by to visit US, then we could meet especially now that i live close by MD.
Subhanallah you make me so nervous! I just recently got married and raising children makes my stomach turn. especially all the crazy stuff that’s out there.
and I personally think you are doing so well mashallah and if you need a guide than what are the rest of us going to do?
Taqwa, jazakAllah khair, but the grass always looks greener on the other side. I am not any special then any other mother, just like all mothers try, I am too just trying…and may Allah guide all our children.
Having children is not as bad, but as I say that it is easy to have them what is hard is to raise them!! 🙂
Are you in Acadiana?
This sounds like I could have almost written this myself.
As a stay at home mom, I know I have a closer relationship with my kids than I did with my mom. But at the same time, they do not respect me enough and I don’t have the authority I should in the house. I think I am too playful with them, but at the same time, am happy that we are close.
I talk to my kids about more meaningful and intimate stuff than my mom did with me. I, like you, obeyed my mom out of fear as well. My kids definitely do not fear me, lol, (well only in my rages) and its not that I want them to fear me, but rather have the respect and appreciation to obey me because I am their mother.
Another thing that I think hurts me is my inconsistency in matters. I don’t lay down the law consistently.
I am also afraid that my actions and words are sometimes unkind out of frustration and that they will remember these things into their adulthood, like I did with my mother.
Like you, I try to learn and improve (though I still make the same mistakes over and over again). I am happy at least I have the intention to change and pray to Allah that I can.
Though motherhood is the toughest job I’ve ever had, its also been the best, and I am thankful to Allah for the opportunity to be a mom. I know that so many women long for that opportunity, never to get it, qadr Allah.
Talibideenjr:
this is pretty much the story of every stayhome mother…isn’t it…we all fall short in our parenting skills but inshaAllah those of us willing to change, and willing to admit our mistakes and take advice from others will, inshaAllah, continue to improve…so lets keep supporting each other… 🙂
Assalamu alaikum, Umm Reem 🙂
i don’t know if this is the right forum to discuss this issue. But i decided to post it here because i could find recent posts from you on this topic.
i have read your article about your conversation with a jinn. i am possessed. i am 21 years old and it has been 2 years now. please tell me if you can be of any help. it is getting more complicated now day by day and i have my exams coming up as well. it’s hard for me to study. i was searching about it over google and i found your article. So i wanted to ask you about it.
i shall be waiting for your response.
God bless, Allah Hafiz.
Let’s be honest, whatever you do, you simply cannot raise you kids the way you want, it is just too difficult to do that; western culture is dominating – at school, on the street, on tv, friends and neighbours and so forth.Plus, you’re busy at work, and how much of your time can be given to your kids, and if so, what will such time be spent on. Also, how much can mum do, if she is not working – not much I suppose. It’s true that you enjoy the quality of life but the expense of your kids’ future.
so in my mind, the best thing you can do is to live in country where muslim-culture is dominating and bear with it – quality of life. At the end of the day, one has to make sacrifices.
all success,
wasslam
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